Coming Distractions/Transcript
Brent Leroy: Ah, well, better get back to work. Lacey Burrows: Uh, Brent, you gonna pay for your lunch or... Brent: Oh, sorry. Was just kinda day dreaming there. Lacey: Yeah, well I guess if you did leave without paying I wouldn't have too hard of a time tracking you down. Brent: Well, I don't know about that. I can be pretty elusive if I want to. Disappear like a ninja, you'd have no hope of finding me. Beth Chapman: There he is. Duane "Dog" Chapman: Freeze! Lemme see your hands. Down! Beth Chapman: Watch out. Now, he can be dangerous. Duane "Dog" Chapman: His reign of terror is over. Brent: Damn, I thought I lost you guys in Arizona. Duane "Dog" Chapman: You might be good bra, but we're better. Let's go. Lacey: Brent? Hello? Brent: Oh, sorry. These day dreams are getting out of hand. Davis Quinton: Come on, you'll love this movie. Karen Pelly: What's it called again? Davis: "Raptorman 2." Half-man, half-dinosaur, flies around in a spaceship. Karen: How's he fly a spaceship with little arms? Davis: He steers with his tail. Karen: Maybe Brent will go with you. Brent: Maybe. Unless you're talking about France, then forget it. Davis: No, no, I'm talking about Raptorman 2. Brent: Oh, first one was awesome. This ones's supposed to be even awesomer. Karen: You two nerds should put on your Spock ears and go together. Davis: This is a completely different genre. Brent: Yeah, we wear claws. Well, I don't, Davis does. Davis: Actually, I lost a claw. Brent: Oh, no. Karen: You two deserve each other. Oscar Leroy: Here's my lawn, and then road. No sidewalk, total chaos. I want a sidewalk in front of my house! Fitzy Fitzgerald: Oscar, you're on the list. And we'll get to your street in uh, three years. Oscar: You just looked at a piece of paper with nothing written on it. Fitzy: OK, I don't know when it's going to be done, but soon. Oscar: This morning, some lunatic just about killed me. Oscar: Jackass! Oscar: But I got his license plate. Fitzy: Hey! Guess who's going to get his sidewalk sooner than he thought? Hank Yarbo: Come on, Raptorman 2, it's gonna be awesome! Brent: I can't, I promised Davis I'd go with him. Hank: You're going with Davis? You know he's gonna make you wear the claws and drink the raptor juice. Brent: It's a big deal to him and I respect that. Brent: OK, maybe respect is the wrong word. Hank: Hey, can I have some money for raptor juice? Brent: I just paid for your movie. Why would I pay for that too? Hank: So I don't tell Davis about you coming here with me. Brent: Smart enough to blackmail but you're not smart enough to have a job. Hank: Ah, can you help me take these off? Lacey: Aw, that is so cute. Isn't that cute? Old gals, sitting, having a hoot. Wanda Dollard: Who are you, Dr. Seuss? Lacey: I'm just saying, they're having fun. Wanda: Or a hoot, as they say on the street. Emma Leroy: It's getting a little crazy over there. Mary just chugged a whole glass of water in one gulp. Lacey: Oh. Wanda: Oh, yeah, it looks like you old gals are having a hoot. Lacey and I were just saying how much fun it was. Weren't we Lacey? Lacey: I was. Emma: Oh, well that's good. Because the purple hats and I were thinking you'd be perfect for the group. Lacey: Oh, well, Wanda and I are really flattered. Emma: Oh, no. We're not asking Wanda, we're asking you. No offence, Wanda. Wanda: I'll find a way to get over it. Hey look, I'm, over it. Lacey: Why me? Emma: Because you're fun. Lacey: Yeah, yeah, but I mean the group is geared more to women of a certain oldness. That didn't come out right. I mean, um, I'm stuck on oldness. Emma: Hey, we're young at heart. I mean, look at our hats. Lacey: Yeah, look at them. Brent: Well, that was a pungent hunk of dung. Hank: Ah, c'mon, that was like, a five-star movie. It was a double five-star. It was like, a 55 star movie. Brent: How would you even know? You had your claws over your eyes for over half of it. Hank: Still, I'd pay twice as much to see that a second time. Brent: So, nothing again? Emma: So, here's your hat. I know it's pink but don't let that worry ya. You'll get a purple one when you turn 50 in a few years. Lacey: Well, more than a few. Emma: It sneaks up on ya. But if you're worried about the age thing, we're recruiting a lot of younger women. Hi, Karen. Karen: Hey ladies. Sorry I'm late. Lacey: Oh, you know what? This might not be so bad, I'll join. What the hey. Mertyl Runciman: She said "what the hey." Oh Lacey, you are fun. Lacey: OK, ha, ha. Emma: Nice. Lacey: So Karen, I didn't know you were part of the Purple Hats. Karen: I'm not. Lacey: But, they waved at you. You said you were late. Karen: Yeah, I'm picking up Mertyl. She's got a bad hip. Lacey: Oh. Mertyl: Congrats on joining. Karen: Yeah, I think it's great for a woman your age. Oscar: Guess what I'm finally getting? Brent: A lobotomy? Oscar: No! They're finally putting in my sidewalk, moron. Check out the plans. Brent: Wow, so you decided to go with a rectangle sidewalk. Oscar: They're always rectangles, jackass. Oh, clam it! Wanda: Hey, what's up? Oscar: Nothing, ha, ha, nothing at all. Isn't that right, son? Brent: Son? Oh, right, that's me. Oh, nothing's going on. Oscar: Don't tell her anything about the sidewalk. Wanda: So, what's going on? Brent: Dad's getting a sidewalk. Wanda: Ah, baby! We are back in business. Wanda: Mwah, ha, ha, ha, ha! Wanda: Ha, ha, ha, ha. Brent: That's a pretty maniacal laugh for somebody who just writes their name on stuff. Wanda: Maybe I'll drop the laugh, maybe. Hank: Ah man, you are gonna love Raptorman 2! Man, it's the best movie I've ever seen. Alone. Davis: I'm a jealous man. Hank: Yeah, I went alone because Brent couldn't go because he promised to go with you, so...I went alone. Davis: So, what happened in the movie? Hank: OK, there's this one scene where ah, Raptorman's flying a spaceship and... Davis: No, no, no, no, no, no, don't tell me. OK, tell me. Hank: OK, and the spaceship... Davis: OK, OK, OK, OK, don't tell me. All right, tell me. No, no, no, don't tell me. Hank: Oh man, there's so many great parts. Hey Brent, remember the time when Raptorman flies through that giant door just before it closes? Brent: It wasn't a door, it was jaws and no, I don't remember that 'cause I wasn't there. Davis: So, how did you know they were jaws? Brent: He told me, before he forgot. Hank: I, I went alone. Oscar: The cat was nearly out of the bag. Brent almost blabbed to Wanda...about my sidewalk. Fitzy: Looks like the cat's out of the bag. Oscar: Don't people know how to keep cat bags shut anymore? Oscar: I need you to protect my sidewalk. Wanda's been casing the joint so she can write her name. Davis: Oh, that's Wanda who's been writing her name. Oscar: Who else would be writing Wanda? Davis: I thought it was an acronym for something. Oscar: For what? Davis: Oh, I don't know. Western Association of Non-Developed Agencies. World Agencies for Non-Developed Association. Wizard Against Naked Dancing in Alberta. William and Nadine's Dental Appliances. And those are just off the top of my head. Oscar: Just protect the sidewalk. Davis: I'm not gonna watch over a slab of wet concrete! It's demeaning to me as a police officer. Davis: Stand here and guard this wet slab of concrete. Hank: Hey Davis, check it out. Raptorman cereal, huh? You know it's a good movie when it's on a cereal box. Davis: Oh man, I gotta see this movie. Hank: You know, it's playing this afternoon. I'd see it again in a heartbeat. Davis: But Brent's working. Promised I wouldn't see it without him. Hank: Ah, come on, Davis. "I'm Raptorman, phew, phew, phew, phew, phew." Davis: OK, let's go. Hank: Great, you can pay for the movie. Davis: Why? Hank: 'Cause if you don't, I'll tell Brent. Davis: This is terrible, let's go. Hank: No, no, no. I wanna see how it ends. Davis: You know how it ends, you've seen it already. Hank: But sometimes they surprise you. Davis: C'mon, I wanna...that's how it ends? Hank: Oh man, that was awesome! Davis: I envy Karen right now. Sidewalk Teen 1: Hey cop, guarding a sidewalk. Good job, Officer Concrete. Sidewalk Teen 2: What's your gun for, shooting crab grass? Karen: Keep walking slackers or I'll buy you a belt for your pants. Wanda: That's embarrassing. Karen: I know. You can totally see their underwear. Wanda: No, I mean, you guarding a sidewalk. Karen: Oh. Yeah, it's humiliating. Nobody's gonna write on it. Wanda: So, did Davis say specifically who to watch out for? Which kid might try to do it? Karen: Nope, just said, "Stand here until it dries." Wanda: Huh. I can give you a break if you'd like. Karen: Really? Wanda: Sure, go get a cup of coffee, I got it covered. I promise, no kid will touch it. Karen: Thanks. Karen: Wanda? "No kids touched it. Wanda strikes again. Scorch! P.S. look behind you." Wanda: Scorch! Brent: Look, I'm still excited about the Raptorman thing. I just, I don't know if I'm gonna be able to make it right away. Davis: Well, of course. I mean, I gotta work and everything. So, uh, we'll just catch it some other time. Brent: Yeah. Hank: You guys talking about Raptorman 2? Brent: Yes, because I haven't seen it yet. Davis: Neither have I. Hank: Hey, I got a great idea. Why don't we all go together, huh? Your treat. You can buy the tickets... Davis: Uh, sure. Hank: And you can buy the popcorn. Brent: I'm not buying popcorn. Hank: Oh, really? Oh, hey Davis, there's something I need to tell you. Brent: I'm buying popcorn and drinks it what I meant. Davis: All right! Wanda: That's a nice blouse. Lacey: Oh. Wanda: Are you going to a war brides reunion? Lacey: I went shopping with the Purple Hats. They insisted I buy it. Lacey: Oh, this looks perfect. Emma: Oh, you don't have to buy anything today. Maybe, sleep on it. Lacey: I think it's kinda jazzy. Wanda: Did you just use the word "jazzy?" Lacey: Young people can use the word "jazzy." Jazzy is hip. Wanda: Did you just use the word "hip?" Lacey: OK, can I just pay for my gas? Wanda: Sure, 35 bucks. Lacey: Oh, that's cheaper than usual. Wanda: Well, I gave you the senior's discount. Hank: Oh! Man, didn't see that coming. Woo! Lacey: So, what are we doing tonight ladies? Just having a few drinks? Emma: No, we got a surprise for you. Dwight? Dwight: Evening, ladies. You old gals ready to do some line dancing? Emma: Oh, yeah. C'mon Lacey, get into it! Push that tush. Brent: Oh, no, Mom's here with her crazy Purple Hat gang. Oscar: Ugh. Let's finish our drinks and go. Brent: Man, if only Lacey was here to see this. Check out the one in the pink hat. She's got the rhythm of a third-legged panda. Oh my God, that is Lacey. Oscar: Couple more drinks over here. Cement Guy: OK, I'm done. I saved your butt once, I ain't coming back again. Oscar: Yes you will, I pay my taxes. Cement Guy: What did you say? Oscar: Nothing, I was just talking about my taxes. Karen: Easy, big fella. You did an amazing job with this sidewalk. Could you rile up a bigger guy? Oscar: He looked a lot smaller when he was kneeling. Davis: I did not like that movie. Brent: I am so glad you said that. I found it really predictable. Davis: Can't believe Hank saw it three times. Brent: I think you mean twice, Once with, alone, and once with us. Davis: Yeah. OK, look, he did see it three times. He saw it with me before we all saw it. Brent: When? Davis: You know, after he saw it by himself. Brent: Well you know what Davis? Don't worry about it. Davis: No, no, we had a pact. I'm a pact-breaker. Never thought I'd be that guy. Brent: Well, you know, it's no big deal. In fact, it's something I could see myself doing. As a matter of fact... Davis: No, don't try and let me off the hook. I screwed up. Let me buy you a bog breakfast and we'll call it even. Brent: No Davis, you shouldn't...well, I mean, it doesn't have to be a big breakfast. And then we call it even and we never speak of it again. Davis: Yeah, deal. Wanda: Ah! Oscar: One more step sister and you're yesterday's leaves. Wanda: Damn! Karen: Oh. Oscar: Three years of police training, huh? I guess you failed cement surveillance 101. Police Cadet Professor: Now, when guarding a sidewalk, the most important thing to remember is posture. Karen: I don't even remember that class. Oscar: You gotta be ready for...where the hell is Wanda? Freeze! Wanda: Ugh, fine. But this is gonna happen. Next time you see me, my finger will be caked in cement and your reputations will lie in ruin. OK, I'm gonna try that again but this time, with a maniacal laugh. And your reputations will lie in ruin. M-wha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ah, I don't know, I think it's better. Wanda: Oh, hey Emma. Have you called Oscar today? Emma: Why would I do that? I just saw him. Wanda: Oh, you know, just called to say, "Hi, Oscar?" Emma: Nope. Wanda: What about when he comes home? Would you say um, ah, what would you say? Emma: I don't know. Wanda: You'd probably say, "Hi, Oscar." Let me hear how you'd say that to him. Emma: You know, it'll sound less muffled if I just speak right into it. Wanda: Would you mind? Emma: "Hi, Oscar. Tape my show on the VCR. Never mind, just do it." Wanda: Thank you so much. Emma: Can I go now, Spanky? Hank: You got any Scotch mints? Lacey: Why, 'cause I'm old? 'Cause I like to do old lady things? Hank: Ah, no, 'cause uh, the bowl's empty. Lacey: Oh, sorry. Oh, these Purple Hat ladies have got me all unhinged. Yesterday, I caught myself drinking hot water. Hot water! This tissue, it was in my sleeve. It's used. Hank: OK, OK, easy does it. It's not so bad, you and your fellow spinsters hanging out. Lacey: I'm too young for this. Oh, just a second, there's something on your cheek. Hank: Oh, hey. Lacey: Come here. Oscar (phone): Hello. Emma (recording, phone): Hi, Oscar. Tape my show on the VCR. Oscar (phone): Oh, stop badgering me. You got nothing better to do? Emma (recording, phone): Never mind, just do it. Oscar (phone): Fine. Emma (recording, phone): Can't I go now, Spanky? Oscar (phone): Spanky? Who the hell is Spanky? Wanda: Phase two complete. Only one phase left in my brilliant plan. Karen: Oh! Wanda: Ah! Victory is mine! Oscar: What the hell happened? Wanda: That, the hell happened. Wanda! Hank: Hey, guys. I just saw Raptorman 2 again and you know, you might be right, it's not very good. Brent: You mean after the fourth time, it starts to wear thin? Hank: Yeah, well, I mean, you guys probably still think it's pretty good because, seeing how you've only seen it once, so... Davis: Ah, it's OK, Hank. It's all out in the open. Not need to lie anymore. Hank: Oh, good. Man, it was starting to get confusing. I mean, first I go with Brent and then I go with you and then we all go together. It's a, ho. Davis: What? You went with Brent? Brent: I tried to tell ya. Davis: When? Between the pancakes and the sausage? Brent: No, before the pancakes. And then I tried halfway through the sausage but man, it was Chorizo and had the little diced peppers, oh baby. Davis: You owe me a breakfast. Hank: And I think a free movie's in order, for all of us. Huh? Hey, who's up for some "Space Frat Party 3?" Ha, ha, oh man. Maybe I'll go alone. Emma: Lacey? You're wearing a yellow hat. Lacey: That's right. Just thought I'd try something different. Emma: What about your pink one? Lacey: Oh, I burned it. Mertyl: Really? Lacey: For fun. Emma: What are you trying to say? Lacey: Look, I have tried to be subtle but you're not catching on. I'm young. And you're all, you know, ha, you're not as young. Look it, I'm sorry to be so blunt, but that's just how we young people are. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to buy some scotch mints. And that doesn't mean I'm old. Emma: I'm glad she left. Wanda: Feast your eyes on my latest conquest. M-wha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, yes. Way better with the laugh. Brent: "Wanda loves Davis?" Wanda: What? Davis: You do? Wanda: No. Karen: Looks like I win! Brent: Good one. Davis: Do you mean love-love or more like brother and sister? Wanda: Like a big, dumb dog. Stay. Davis: We having our first fight? Fitzy: Listen you crazy crank. We just put that sidewalk in. We're not going to take it out. Wanda: But I don't love Davis. It's humiliating! Fitzy: Sorry, it's done. Karen: Hey, you can't tear up the sidewalk! Wanda: Sorry, it's done. Cement Guy: Hey, what did you do?! Brent: Oh man, I can't wait to see "Space Frat Party 3." Lacey: Tell me about it. It's so nice to not be out with those old ladies and their stupid hats. Hank: Hey guys, check out what came with the combos. Brent: Hey, cool. Lacey: Oh, it's gonna be fun! Category:Transcripts